What we have here is a failure to communicate.

I wrote a post awhile back that was later published on Mamapedia. Now when I first posted it here on my blog I didn’t receive any feedback, which wasn’t unexpected-my blog isn’t widely known, but I knew my feelings weren’t common. I just didn’t realize I was quite so obtuse in my wording that it would be taken as judgmental (this however WILL be a judgmental post) as others found it to be. I have to take the blame since there was such a huge dislike that something in my wording was wrong, not what I said-I stand by that, but that it was misinterpreted as it was.

When you say judgmental it’s so often said with a negative tone, but I don’t see judgment as negative, it’s simply the formation of an opinion based on my experiences. I don’t judge anyone as better than me, or worse than me. A better word would be observe, I observe and comment and if it comes across as condescending well…crap happens. I’m not here, I’m not typing any of this to make anyone besides me feel better. My blog, my beliefs, move along if you disagree; life is too short to spend being bothered by little old me and my views.

If you’ve clicked on the above link to where it’s published you can read the comments to see what I mean by what I feel is a misunderstanding. Some I do feel were utter nonsense and that sometimes people just want to be offended, they take a difference of opinion as a personal attack I guess. I’m going to comment here in response to a few things. There really is no way to go through and respond to EACH post, and continue responding to each person and I really don’t think they want a response they just wanted to vent to what they feel was a judgmental, condescending post.

  1. Only one comment really irritated me because it was blatantly reading what they wanted. I stated I would be a right bitch and somehow the reader thought that I was calling anyone ELSE a bitch. Rubbish, the text is black and white, I spoke of how I would feel.
  2. An implication there may be issues with my marriage when the kids are out of the house and I need to connect privately with my husband. The kids don’t need to be out of the house for that (standing in the kitchen cooking together with a lot of holding, kissing while the kids are off playing), we have plenty of us time and when I said we wonder what the kids are doing when we’re alone…do you honestly believe we spend hours wondering this rather than it coming up in passing? We don’t ‘make time for us’ its never been a separation, we converse openly and tell the kids to play video games to go and have a ‘chat’ in the bedroom. Thanks for the ‘advice’ but it’s really not an issue as anyone who knows us offline can attest.
  3. Suggesting that my post would hurt a new moms feelings. Plain and simple I am in no way responsible for another’s feelings, I don’t have that sort of power over them. I realized long ago that the opinions of people I don’t know do not matter. Parenting is a very different task for each person, this is my journey and I’m glad that others who may be like me, a minority in our view on this topic, found a widely viewed article that maybe vindicated them. But the majority of mom articles are the exact opposite of my opinion so new moms who may be offended have plenty to sooth their feelings.
  4. I got the impression that people think we are NEVER away from our kids. Not at all the case which is where I think the whole misunderstanding is. It’s not that we are against being away from them, they have sleep overs, as I’ve mentioned are babysat while we attend classes, etc. The mentality I was imagining and typing about is the one who dreads weekends when the kids are home and they have to find something ‘to do with the kids’. I also said I can’t understand that feeling (I, me) and not that I felt it ‘wrong’.
  5. Too much focus was put on this line about having a party when the kids are gone. I clearly said I realized it was in jest, and as I said just above I wasn’t really talking about that line of thinking when I was typing-again I was not clear enough in what I said. I do think a few of the readers really grasped what I was feeling by their comments that this is where I am at this point in my life and that my feelings may change. I am completely aware of that, and I may feel completely different by the time I experience the teen years (a joke I’m sure will be misunderstood again).
  6. I’m not really sure when I implied that I felt I was a better mother but wow that’s certainly what a lot of people took from my post. It’s actually interesting to hear that I feel that way because I certainly don’t feel like I’m a better mother than anyone else. I don’t KNOW the people who responded so how could I make a call like that? Why would I, as above…each parent is different, each kid is. Would I want to be surrounded by nothing but purple tulips or a rainbow and is any one color better-absolutely not.
  7. A few arm chair psychologists felt I have issues, which I certainly do. Attachment issues, well that’s possible since I’ve experienced the drowning death of my mother while she was watching my kids and it’s a miracle they didn’t drown as well. But since that didn’t chance my feelings related to this; why did I mention that if it has no bearing? If you would like to suggest there is something mentally wrong, or defective about a person you don’t know you may want to think about the causes. Or not. I could also say that if you found my post as terribly attacking as some that deep down you feel you AREN’T good enough? See how that works…that is attacking, and it’s a terrible thing isn’t it? To be so bothered by something that doesn’t at all impact you means on some level you see something in yourself that bothers you…so they say. Personally I have no clue how you feel, or what your issues are. 

I’ve learned something from this experience, be very clear on ‘mommy topics’. If you go against the grain, the socially accepted view you will receive negative response. I’ve enjoyed the experience over all, and I’m surprised at how much the responses did not bother me. I have been pushed to share MORE of my oddball views in fact. Before you ask, I am not posting this because anything said bothered me…what DID bother me was my failure at being clear enough in my meanings. I think that will always come up, someone will always misunderstand my meaning but..there it is.

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3 thoughts on “What we have here is a failure to communicate.

  1. lafemmet February 14, 2013 at 4:43 am Reply

    Hey lady, who ever that was needs to get their head out of their arse. Even though you and I are extremely different, I think think our differences are much smaller than our similarities. I am glad I can learn alternative ways to raise my little munchkin from you. I Love what I have seen in your child rearing. I read your blog to learn from you. Some people need to change their perspectives and ask before they ASSume. and anyway, it is really none of their business.
    You are doing a dern good job.

  2. thalassa February 14, 2013 at 7:00 am Reply

    Wow…I read through those comments and all I can think is there are a lot of moms with crappy self esteem that sure seem to be projecting their own feelings of inadequacy on you. Your post wasn’t written in a way that should have offended anyone…unless they already feel guilt about it.

    • thalassa February 14, 2013 at 7:01 am Reply

      “should” should probably say “would”…there’s really no way for that comment to come out right at 6am, but hopefully you know what I mean!!

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